或许在某一个时候，你并不是我最爱的人，我知道说这句话会让我有罪该万死的感觉，可是，我不想在这个时候说谎。 可是，我肯定，在任何一个时候，我永远是你心目中最爱的人，你可以为了我牺牲一切，赴汤蹈火，你可以为了我付出你所有。
无论我对你如何的好，可是，比起你对我的好，你给我的爱，你赐我的恩，真有天渊之别。我不可能把你从我的记忆里慢慢变浅，发觉自己想你的感觉随着岁月的流失越来越浓。到如今，你仍时常躲在我梦里，爱我，关心我，鼓励我，祝福我。
在你离开我三个月后的某一天，我仍然改不掉往日的习惯。。。经过中巴鲁小贩中心你最喜欢吃的水糕摊位，买了一块钱五个，不要辣，兴高采烈的跑回车里，飞车回去要给你一个开心，因为你曾吩咐我每次经过那小贩中心就为你买一包。可是。。。 驾驶了15分钟的路程后，突然之间，我如梦初醒，一阵晴天霹雳的悲伤涌上心头，泪水模糊了眼睛，把车停在一边，默默的把那包水糕拿下车，在浮浮游游的脚步中，把它给静静的放在一棵大树下。。。眼泪如缺了堤的灞，一滴滴掉在那包水糕上。惊觉自己在你离开了三个多月以后仍然模模糊糊的活在有你的世界里。你在另一个世界里可否感觉到你最爱的人是如此的思念你。
四年前的今天，下午四点钟，你没有等我把我的演唱会给办完，就狠心的离开了我。或许，你不愿带着我的眼泪离去。当我冲到你身旁时，我知道我对你一切的呼唤与抚摸，你已经永远再也感觉不到。。。
我不欣赏别人给我的安慰，。。‘她已经很幸福了，活了84年，你这么爱她，这么照顾她’。。。为什么活了84年就得离开呢？？为什么我们不能永远天天见面呢？？
每一个狂风暴雨夜，我都会从雷声中惊醒，似乎少了你的脚步声。甚至当我在国外的那几年，每年的冬天，当你看到电视新闻知道在远方的我居住的国家里有什么风吹草动或者是天气恶劣，你总是每天打电话来叮嘱我要小心照顾自己。或许当时我会觉得你仍把我当成小孩，或许甚至觉得你有一点啰嗦，可是，这些是现在我要的！我渴望的！我希望做你的小孩！我希望享受你的啰嗦！可是我还能拥有吗？可能吗？！可能吗？！
树欲静而风不息，子欲养而亲不在。。。
。。。明知黄泉难归，我仍在痴心的等待，我最心爱的母亲，等你入我梦来。
恨不能够时光倒影！。。。
““妈，今天我没去中巴鲁小贩中心给你买水糕，可是，我去给你买了深紫色的兰花，和你喜欢的粉紫色的衣服。” ”
3 comments:
因为你有爱，所以有那么多爱你的人，因为你有情，所以有那么多有情人簇拥在晓融身边！
在你身边的人因为你的爱而幸福，远处的人因为感受着你的爱而充满希望！
北京小雨
每一个人的内心都充满了爱，那是与生俱来的，不然这世界就变成一个无情的世界。可是，当我们长大以后，有时，爱却带给人们很多的烦恼。因此，反而又有了出家人，看破红尘，活在一个博爱人群的天地里。
“自古多情空遗恨”，感性的人应该可以了解到这句话的无奈。
I waited till this day to post my comment.
According to the lunar calender, 4 years ago (tomorrow, 九月初一) was the first time I lost someone whom I'm closely related to. She is my late maternal grandmother. Before, never have I experience losing someone this way. Friends come and go, people close to my heart moved, relocated but I know they are around somewhere out there in this world - contactable. But my grandma, left... for good.
I wasn't exactly physically nor spiritually close to my grandmother when she was alive. I visited her with my family once a week when I was very young, thereafter, it became fortnightly and then once a month and slowly, as and when...
I missed the food she took pains in preparing for us every Sunday where all of us gather at her flat in Tiong Bahru. She was a good cook. She enjoyed cooking, took pleasure in knowing that we appreciate what she puts on the dining table. In her dying days, one day, I overheard her telling my dad that she wants to make gluttinous rice for all. She was already bed/wheelchair-ridden then. My dad suggested that she instructs the maid on how to go about preparing it. We all know it will taste different because "grandma's taste" will not be in the gluttinous rice. She didn't do it eventually.
I took her presence, in fact everybody's presence for granted. I know she's getting old and weak. Naturally, one day, she'll leave us. We thought we were well mentally prepared but it turned out to be wrong. It is not anything that I've imagined it to be. The emptiness in my heart on the day she left drove me crazy. Reality hit me hard on that day. We were late. We didn't get the chance to see her one last time. When I arrived, she seemed to be sleeping, peacefully. Her body, still luke-warm. Its hard to believe that she's gone. Its hard to believe that never will I hear her voice again, telling me to visit her whenever I'm free, never will I see her waving goodbye with her frail hand at me everytime I'm leaving her place.
I am guilt-ridden each time she did that. I wasn't exactly having a good time at grandma's place during each visit. Usually, there's only my late grandparents and my family. I cannot communicate well with them as I don't speak good cantonese. Thus, most of the times, my eyes are glued to the tube but never did I realize that they are contented with us just sitting there. Their beloved grandchildren spending their "precious" time watching tv with their "worthless" grandparents! No, they aren't worthless, of course! They meant alot but it was only when my grandma left, I came to realization. Everytime I leave their place, I felt like crying, I feel sorry for my grandma who has no one to talk to and who's always looking forward to the weekend when her family will visit her. I swear everytime she said "do come and see me often" that I will be back next week but, I did not. It will be weeks after when I next see her again. I took her presence for granted! I was wrong but there is no turning back.
I cried hard, never have I cried that much in my entire 30 years of life when she passed on. Flashbacks of her made me tear, memories of her voice, her movements made me sob uncontrollably. The day of cremation was the worst. Somehow, I couldn't accept the fact that a human, with flesh and blood turn to only an urn of ash. Its much too cruel for me to accept. I cannot accept death, especially of someone I know, someone who's so close to my heart.
Its been 4 years. I still cry like now whenever I think of her. I wonder where she is now, how she's getting on now. There is nothing I wish for her except that she's leading a better life in another world. Hopefully, afterlife will be easy on her. She has worked hard for the family. Time to rest in peace, MY DEAREST GRANDMOTHER...
Your eldest grand daughter...
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